Tag Archives: ole miss

A Tale of Two Videos: Tony Stewart & Ray Rice

Tony Stewart will not face charges on the murder, the vehicular homicide or the accidental death of Kevin Ward, Jr.

I’ve lost all hope in humanity.

The American justice system has failed yet again. I can only surmise Eric Holder’s recently announced resignation comes as a result of the inaction by officials to hold yet another a popular white “athlete” accountable for his crimes (see: Duke Lacrosse team, Oscar Pistorius, baseball players).

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Two weeks ago, the last apparent last bastion of the fourth estate TMZ released a video of Ray Rice shamelessly knocking out his then-fiancé Janay Palmer.

Once revered as maybe the top running back in the world, Rice’s career as it stands appears unredeemable. The Baltimore Ravens terminated Rice’s contract, and the NFL suspended him indefinitely. The NFL Players Association has since appealed on his behalf, sighting tired (but unfortunately, most likely true) slippery slope, two punishments for one crime arguments.

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On August 9th in upstate New York a 43-year old man driving a 1400 pound vehicle at a speeds of nearly 140 miles per hour hit a 20-year man—a boy really. The young man with a long, bright future ahead of him died, almost immediately. It was caught on tape.

One would hope—given the above circumstances—that the full weight of the law and public reaction would fall on the culprit. One would imagine that said culprit would be collapse under the pressure, a charged and convicted criminal as the world celebrates the triumph of justice.

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So here we are. The NFL is the midst of a once-in-a-generation scandal. Employees are answering to the former Director of the US Federal Bureau of Investigation (the goddamn Director of the F-B-goddamn-I!), turning over communications, cataloging steps taken and not taken in an investigation completed or not completed. Even Commissioner Roger Goodell—the shoot-first sheriff, self-proclaimed judge and jury of the NFL when he ascended to power—finds himself in the unusual position of target practice.

Rice is at fault, and the NFL and Goodell screwed everything to hell.

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There is a video that shows Ward’s murder. It wasn’t shown on ESPN or your local news, because it’s a video of someone dying (as if all that war footage of rockets firing and landing on nightly network news weren’t). Watch it here—if you can bear it.

The 43-year old man—Stewart, let’s be painfully clear—is free. He woke up this morning to a loving family, doting fans, a dedicated racing team and a job that he loves.

Ward will never get a chance to realize the NASCAR dreams Stewart shamelessly tried preserved in his all-too-early return to the track.

But more than that, Ward will never get to find and marry the love of his life, to swell with pride as he watches his children stumble and get back up, to grow old and see the world change. Ward will never get to turn the ignition or choke the throttle of his beat up no. 13, joke around with his team or get angry at his opponents, relish in victory or rise again from a loss.

Ward graduated from high school two years ago. Two years ago. And will remain fixed in his family’s memory an eternal 20-year old.

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The institution of the NFL has been turned inside out—and rightfully so—for countless reasons. Among these include: the culture of violence that has been absorbed by the players’ family members for years, the countless players facing even more countless charges of violent crimes and the apparent cover-up (or shameful ineptitude, if you’re an optimist) of the Rice incident—only the most recent indication of the NFL’s unspoken mandate to “protect the shield.”

Despite all this, last Sunday came and went. Hundreds of thousands of fans across the country flocked to their football meccas and millions tuned in at home. Billions of dollars were made in salary and advertising revenue. The testament of sport.

It would be pretentious, and in many ways wrong, to call for a boycott of the NFL—and not just because it would never happen. After all, most football players are by-and-large good people (I think) who understand that they’re not actually allowed to pulverize other people off the field.

I would hope that recent events have disrupted fandom—at least for a blip—causing unease and skepticism. There has been some reporting on this, but not nearly enough.

Football is good. Ray Rice is bad. And the NFL fucked up.

End scene.

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Ray Rice knocked someone unconscious—his partner nonetheless. He may never face judge or a jury, but he is being punished—by the league he belonged to, the team he was a part of and the American public at large.

Tony Stewart Killed a person. Where’s the indignation? Why hasn’t ESPN rushed to Ward’s aide with hours of outraged Olbermanns and Wilbons?

When we were talking about Ward’s death—for that brief two week period that quickly was swept under the rug the moment Stewart gloriously returned to the race track to bravely not lose his position in the Sprint cup race—we seemed to shy away from what actually happened. Our headlines never used the words like “killed” or “fatally struck.” Instead it was an unfortunate accident that happened to an unfortunately young person.

“…an on-track accident that left 20-year-old Kevin Ward Jr. dead.”

“…he was involved in an incident that took the life of Kevin Ward Jr.”

“Kevin Ward Jr.’s death…”

“A sprint car racing incident involving NASCAR driver Tony Stewart left another driver with fatal injuries…”

It’s no wonder that Stewart got away with murder. Our verbs hid him from the truth of it. I don’t know yet if that was for his sake or ours. Both are infuriating reasons.

Accidents and death are part of the machismo of racing. I get it. But Ward didn’t die in an accident. He died after an accident—when Stewart’s right front tire clipped Ward, throwing him in the air like a rag doll. As for machismo, the NFL certainly doesn’t lack in it, and they’ve still managed to hold individuals to a modicum of accountability—no matter how disjointed and backwards-ass the path is to get there.

Stewart Killed a person. It’s on tape. I’m still waiting for the Fury of God’s Own Thunder.

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON IS MARSHALL HENDERSON FOR HIS OWN PERFORMANCE ART THESIS

In a daring and unflinching confession, Marshall Henderson admitted just moments ago to an anonymous Luckswing source that his entire life has been a culmination of the most avant of avant-garde performance art, episodes of which he will later be re-enacting as his senior thesis installation on the Ole Miss campus, and later at the Met in New York.

Henderson tells our insider that, at an early age, he was inspired by the life of Boy George and galvanized by the emergence of Lady Gaga. Viewing himself as the natural successor of Yoko Ono and Carolee Schneemann, he is “proud to carry on their tradition, and elevate it to American sports.”

“Gesticulating wildly has always come easily to me,” Henderson told Luckswing’s source. “Becoming a performance artist, becoming ‘Marshall Henderson,’ or at least, his artistic subconsciousness projected upon the plane of subjective reality for all the world to witness from the comfort of their bourgeois vantage was the most natural thing for me–like taking too many shots,”

Allegedly, Henderson’s  drug abuse and recent rash of inflammatory antics has been part of the drawn out narrative he has created for himself. He went far as to intimate he may have been the real brains behind the Manti Te’o “catfishing” incident.

“You know I hate to classify myself in a particular way. Saying I’m a performance artist is so stifling, but truly, I am a visionary. I perform. I’m an artist.”

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON LEARNS HOW TO FLY A PLANE FOR FRIEND’S MIDDLE EASTERN STUDIES THESIS

According to an anonymous source, Marshall Henderson has learned to fly a plane for his friend’s Middle-Eastern Studies thesis.
“Joke’s on you guys!” Marshall said for figuratively the thousandth fucking time when harassed for his off-color twitter selfie depicting him in the cockpit of a commercial jet leaving what appears to be a Southeast Asian country.

The caption “Mind the gap!” accompanying a photo of the World Trade Center has been considered poor taste by college officials. The twitter-verse also openly questioned how or why he was in the cockpit of an airplane in the first place.

“My buddy asked me to learn how to fly planes and then borrow one from a pilot as a social experiment for his Middle-Eastern Studies thesis. He is trying to show that there needn’t be a racial imperative to conduct terrible criminal activity in the skies. We are trying to tear down the institution of American bigotry. My buddy is a pilot, so I figured: ‘Sure, how hard could it be?’”

Henderson went ahead and piloted the craft to a gentle, aquatic landing. He was subsequently airlifted back to the United States by Tom Hanks.

“All’s well that ends well, right?”

The plane and its passengers have not been found.

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON PLEDGES ALLEGIANCE TO THE CONFEDERATE FLAG EVERY DAY FOR FRIEND’S US HISTORY THESIS

According to proudly racist sources at Mississippi State University, Marshall Henderson has flashed his rebelliousness yet again, pledging allegiance to the Confederate flag every day for his entire collegiate career  at Ole Miss.

Henderson claims he is participating in this project as part of his friend’s US History thesis.

#BREAKINGUPDATE:

I have received confirmation from multiple sources in and around Ole Miss that this is in fact a  regular occurrence for all MSU students, staff and nearly all residents around the Oxford area. And that Confederate Rebels are in fact the Ole Miss mascot.

The following photograph is a student protest of President Barack Obama’s reelection in 2012:

Correction: The above photograph was taken during MSU’s last home football game.

 

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON LOCKS GIRLFRIEND IN BASEMENT FOR FRIEND’S GENDER STUDIES THESIS

According to an anonymous source, Marshall Henderson has locked up his most recent girlfriend, Anita Source, in his basement as part of an experiment conducted on behalf of his dear friend, a Gender Studies major at Ole Miss.

 “Joke’s on you guys!” Henderson responded in a tweet following an outcry over his initially controversial image of his girlfriend chained to what appeared to be a sybian in the basement of his college home.

 “How else was my friend supposed to accurately assess the power dynamics between a male athlete and his bae? She had plenty of food and water, all of you guys are just proving how ignorant the world can be.”

 Henderson reportedly showed a keen interest in Gender Studies as a freshman at Ole Miss, but ultimately relinquished that dream to become a communications and sports management double major.

 “It was really hard to squeeze in all of the credits I would have needed to be a true Gender Studies major but I already had a rope and a few sets of manacles in my house so when my friend came to me with the opportunity, I couldn’t say no.”

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON MELTS POLAR ICECAPS FOR FRIEND’S ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE THESIS

Marshall Henderson has reportedly melted the polar icecaps for his friend’s Environmental-Science thesis.

Initial response to Henderson’s tweet was tepid. The image merely showed Henderson on a small dinghy ranging far from a fishing ship that was reported missing several years ago off the coast of Alaska. In his hand: a single hair dryer.

“Joke’s on you guys!” Marshall tweeted, “I’ve been up here melting the polar icecaps with this hair dryer for years”

Henderson has reportedly been absent from class for his entire 8 year stint as a Communications Major/Basketball player/Activist at Ole Miss. During this time, he was taking lengthy trips on a reportedly stolen craft, “melting” the polar icecaps with a hand-held hair dryer powered by double-A batteries.

Dennis Quaid and others have called for Henderson’s immediate expulsion- but Henderson claims it is all for a good cause.

“My friend loves the environment, he talks about global warming all the time. I have started to believe it too. My friend says Global Warming is like Santa Claus, just because you can’t see him, doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist!” Henderson stated from the back of his friend’s F-150.

“This is a wake-up call to everybody who doesn’t believe in global climate change. This is not some blameless event brought on by natural conditions. WE are the responsible parties. So you see, when I went and melted the icecaps, I was just doing the same thing you do EVERY DAY when you burn fossil fuels. It is a metaphor or something.”

Henderson later gave the fishing boat back, with 4 kilograms of cocaine left in the captain’s cabin as an apology for borrowing it for so long.

 

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON IMPREGNATES, ABANDONS DOZENS OF TEEN GIRLS FOR SINGLE MOM’S SOCIOLOGY THESIS

According to sources familiar with the random impregnation of young females, Marshall Henderson has spent the last few weeks seducing, fornicating with and impregnating dozens of teen girls throughout the State of Mississippi.

For Henderson, this excercise has been a extension of his continued contribution to Academia. He has gone through this painful exercise at the behest of a Sociology graduate student, who is herself a single mother who birthed her child at 19.

“We had initially planned to just stick with the freshman class here at Ole Miss–maybe one or two. But clearly, he’s gotten a bit out of hand. The boy can’t keep it in his pants,” said the single mom responsible for the thesis, who spoke to Luckswing on the condition of anonymity.

“Initially, he was wary of the idea, but agreed to it because he loves cuddling. Who would’ve guessed?” She continued, “Well aww shucks, I guess we done got ourselves a fat cow of a sample size now!”

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON LEARNS TO READ FOR FRIEND’S SENIOR ENGLISH THESIS

According to an anonymous source, Marshall Henderson has reportedly learned to read for his friend’s senior English thesis.

It was released by a source close to Henderson that all of his recent tweets were actually an experiment by his friend, an English Major at Ole Miss, who thought that responding to conversational English via twitter was the best way for Henderson to pick up the language quickly.

“He was struggling through some of the Dr. Seuss I had given him to work on. I realized then that books were actually an impractical way for Marshall and others like him to learn written English. Dude started rhyming all the time. Eventually I just said, fuck it, and tweeted some homophobic shit I knew he would like as a means to get some external help.”

Henderson is reportedly reading at well-above a 3rd grade competency, though he admittedly still struggles with certain letter combinations including “ph” and “th”.

He also thinks “#” is a letter located somewhere around “L”, “M”, “N”, or “O” in the alphabet since he pretty much sings those letters as “ellemenno” when he practices the alphabet song anyway.