Tag Archives: marshall henderson

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON IS MARSHALL HENDERSON FOR HIS OWN PERFORMANCE ART THESIS

In a daring and unflinching confession, Marshall Henderson admitted just moments ago to an anonymous Luckswing source that his entire life has been a culmination of the most avant of avant-garde performance art, episodes of which he will later be re-enacting as his senior thesis installation on the Ole Miss campus, and later at the Met in New York.

Henderson tells our insider that, at an early age, he was inspired by the life of Boy George and galvanized by the emergence of Lady Gaga. Viewing himself as the natural successor of Yoko Ono and Carolee Schneemann, he is “proud to carry on their tradition, and elevate it to American sports.”

“Gesticulating wildly has always come easily to me,” Henderson told Luckswing’s source. “Becoming a performance artist, becoming ‘Marshall Henderson,’ or at least, his artistic subconsciousness projected upon the plane of subjective reality for all the world to witness from the comfort of their bourgeois vantage was the most natural thing for me–like taking too many shots,”

Allegedly, Henderson’s  drug abuse and recent rash of inflammatory antics has been part of the drawn out narrative he has created for himself. He went far as to intimate he may have been the real brains behind the Manti Te’o “catfishing” incident.

“You know I hate to classify myself in a particular way. Saying I’m a performance artist is so stifling, but truly, I am a visionary. I perform. I’m an artist.”

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON LEARNS HOW TO FLY A PLANE FOR FRIEND’S MIDDLE EASTERN STUDIES THESIS

According to an anonymous source, Marshall Henderson has learned to fly a plane for his friend’s Middle-Eastern Studies thesis.
“Joke’s on you guys!” Marshall said for figuratively the thousandth fucking time when harassed for his off-color twitter selfie depicting him in the cockpit of a commercial jet leaving what appears to be a Southeast Asian country.

The caption “Mind the gap!” accompanying a photo of the World Trade Center has been considered poor taste by college officials. The twitter-verse also openly questioned how or why he was in the cockpit of an airplane in the first place.

“My buddy asked me to learn how to fly planes and then borrow one from a pilot as a social experiment for his Middle-Eastern Studies thesis. He is trying to show that there needn’t be a racial imperative to conduct terrible criminal activity in the skies. We are trying to tear down the institution of American bigotry. My buddy is a pilot, so I figured: ‘Sure, how hard could it be?’”

Henderson went ahead and piloted the craft to a gentle, aquatic landing. He was subsequently airlifted back to the United States by Tom Hanks.

“All’s well that ends well, right?”

The plane and its passengers have not been found.

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON TO INTERN WITH DONALD STERLING FOR FRIEND’S RACE AND ETHNIC STUDIES THESIS

According to sources within Donald Sterling’s real estate management firm Donald T Sterling & Associates, Marshall Henderson has been hired on as Sterling’s personal social media Intern for the summer.

Our sources claim that Henderson wowed during the interview process, impressing Sterling above all, claiming that he was Henderson’s personal hero.

“His history with drugs intrigued us, and his recent comments regarding Michael Sam made him a top candidate,” said Luckswing’s source. “That was probably the happiest I’ve seen Donald in an internship interview since he met with Mel Gibson’s son.”

Henderson’s tenure will be short-lived despite the perfectness of pairing.

“[Henderson] did mention that he wouldn’t stick around long and probably use his experience for a friend’s thesis,” Luckswing’s source continued. “That didn’t bother us too much though. We’re fairly certain he’s got some pigment in his DNA and that’s only gonna take you so far with Donald.”

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON PLEDGES ALLEGIANCE TO THE CONFEDERATE FLAG EVERY DAY FOR FRIEND’S US HISTORY THESIS

According to proudly racist sources at Mississippi State University, Marshall Henderson has flashed his rebelliousness yet again, pledging allegiance to the Confederate flag every day for his entire collegiate career  at Ole Miss.

Henderson claims he is participating in this project as part of his friend’s US History thesis.

#BREAKINGUPDATE:

I have received confirmation from multiple sources in and around Ole Miss that this is in fact a  regular occurrence for all MSU students, staff and nearly all residents around the Oxford area. And that Confederate Rebels are in fact the Ole Miss mascot.

The following photograph is a student protest of President Barack Obama’s reelection in 2012:

Correction: The above photograph was taken during MSU’s last home football game.

 

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON KILLS GOD FOR FRIEND’S RELIGIOUS STUDIES THESIS

According to a Source uncomfortably close with divinity, Marshall Henderson got into an altercation with God at approximately 2 A.M last night outside a strip club in Jackson, Mississippi.

It has been reported that Henderson purposefully engaged in inflammatory and violent behavior for a friend’s Religious Studies thesis. It escalated quickly, however, and  many witnessed what proved to be a tragically violent end to God.

“There was lightning and storms and shit. It was crazy,” said one bystander. “But that scrawny little dude pulled out an AK and popped God a good one!”

Some wept. Some cheered. Many were stunned at God’s death. Authorities, however, were baffled when they arrived to the scene as there was no body, and by their estimation no crime.

“He [Henderson] provoked him,” said Luckswing’s Source who provided information on the condition that we provide readers with lyrics to “O Little Town Of Bethlehem” and make it very, very, very clear He has not yet returned but He plans to and He’s coming for you first, Adam Sandler. “He took the Lord’s name in vain. He bore false witness, coveted his neighbor’s house, wife and male servant. Marshall broke every commandment, and a did some thing’s I honestly didn’t even know were sins.”

Fearing eternal damnation, the friend whom Henderson engaged with God for refused to comment.

 

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON LOCKS GIRLFRIEND IN BASEMENT FOR FRIEND’S GENDER STUDIES THESIS

According to an anonymous source, Marshall Henderson has locked up his most recent girlfriend, Anita Source, in his basement as part of an experiment conducted on behalf of his dear friend, a Gender Studies major at Ole Miss.

 “Joke’s on you guys!” Henderson responded in a tweet following an outcry over his initially controversial image of his girlfriend chained to what appeared to be a sybian in the basement of his college home.

 “How else was my friend supposed to accurately assess the power dynamics between a male athlete and his bae? She had plenty of food and water, all of you guys are just proving how ignorant the world can be.”

 Henderson reportedly showed a keen interest in Gender Studies as a freshman at Ole Miss, but ultimately relinquished that dream to become a communications and sports management double major.

 “It was really hard to squeeze in all of the credits I would have needed to be a true Gender Studies major but I already had a rope and a few sets of manacles in my house so when my friend came to me with the opportunity, I couldn’t say no.”

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON MELTS POLAR ICECAPS FOR FRIEND’S ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE THESIS

Marshall Henderson has reportedly melted the polar icecaps for his friend’s Environmental-Science thesis.

Initial response to Henderson’s tweet was tepid. The image merely showed Henderson on a small dinghy ranging far from a fishing ship that was reported missing several years ago off the coast of Alaska. In his hand: a single hair dryer.

“Joke’s on you guys!” Marshall tweeted, “I’ve been up here melting the polar icecaps with this hair dryer for years”

Henderson has reportedly been absent from class for his entire 8 year stint as a Communications Major/Basketball player/Activist at Ole Miss. During this time, he was taking lengthy trips on a reportedly stolen craft, “melting” the polar icecaps with a hand-held hair dryer powered by double-A batteries.

Dennis Quaid and others have called for Henderson’s immediate expulsion- but Henderson claims it is all for a good cause.

“My friend loves the environment, he talks about global warming all the time. I have started to believe it too. My friend says Global Warming is like Santa Claus, just because you can’t see him, doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist!” Henderson stated from the back of his friend’s F-150.

“This is a wake-up call to everybody who doesn’t believe in global climate change. This is not some blameless event brought on by natural conditions. WE are the responsible parties. So you see, when I went and melted the icecaps, I was just doing the same thing you do EVERY DAY when you burn fossil fuels. It is a metaphor or something.”

Henderson later gave the fishing boat back, with 4 kilograms of cocaine left in the captain’s cabin as an apology for borrowing it for so long.

 

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON IMPREGNATES, ABANDONS DOZENS OF TEEN GIRLS FOR SINGLE MOM’S SOCIOLOGY THESIS

According to sources familiar with the random impregnation of young females, Marshall Henderson has spent the last few weeks seducing, fornicating with and impregnating dozens of teen girls throughout the State of Mississippi.

For Henderson, this excercise has been a extension of his continued contribution to Academia. He has gone through this painful exercise at the behest of a Sociology graduate student, who is herself a single mother who birthed her child at 19.

“We had initially planned to just stick with the freshman class here at Ole Miss–maybe one or two. But clearly, he’s gotten a bit out of hand. The boy can’t keep it in his pants,” said the single mom responsible for the thesis, who spoke to Luckswing on the condition of anonymity.

“Initially, he was wary of the idea, but agreed to it because he loves cuddling. Who would’ve guessed?” She continued, “Well aww shucks, I guess we done got ourselves a fat cow of a sample size now!”

#BREAKING: MARSHALL HENDERSON LEARNS TO READ FOR FRIEND’S SENIOR ENGLISH THESIS

According to an anonymous source, Marshall Henderson has reportedly learned to read for his friend’s senior English thesis.

It was released by a source close to Henderson that all of his recent tweets were actually an experiment by his friend, an English Major at Ole Miss, who thought that responding to conversational English via twitter was the best way for Henderson to pick up the language quickly.

“He was struggling through some of the Dr. Seuss I had given him to work on. I realized then that books were actually an impractical way for Marshall and others like him to learn written English. Dude started rhyming all the time. Eventually I just said, fuck it, and tweeted some homophobic shit I knew he would like as a means to get some external help.”

Henderson is reportedly reading at well-above a 3rd grade competency, though he admittedly still struggles with certain letter combinations including “ph” and “th”.

He also thinks “#” is a letter located somewhere around “L”, “M”, “N”, or “O” in the alphabet since he pretty much sings those letters as “ellemenno” when he practices the alphabet song anyway.