According to an anonymous source, Solange Knowles, professional celebrity and sister of talented family member Beyonce Knowles, played sports in High School thusly qualifying her as a subject for breaking news stories on a sports blog.
Having buried the lead, Solange’s recent outburst with her talented family member’s “boo,” Jay-Z was reportedly due to a misunderstanding in regards to the pronunciation of “Solange.”
“The name Solange is not exactly intuitive to pronounce, nor am I even sure it’s a name at all,” Mr. Z likely said in a recent press conference, “there is literally no precedent I can think of that makes that a name. Was her grandma named Solange? Who named her then? How am I supposed to know how to pronounce a name if the letters comprising it look like a schizophrenixzplaying Bananagrams?”
Trying to make a good impression, Mr. Z pronounced the name to the best of his abilities—assuming that the name rhymed with popular pie-ingredient-thing: “meringue.”
“I don’t know why her parents named her ‘Solange’ but I am familiar with lemon meringue pie. Seemed to be a perfect fit,” Jay-Z reasoned while wiping his ass with a copy of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s ‘The Great Gatsby’ as Leonardo DiCaprio snorted a massive line of coke off of Mr. Z’s hardcover version in the shower.
“Don’t know why she got so upset being tangentially related to a delicious dessert. Makes me wonder if this girl has ever even been to a fucking Marie Callender’s before. Fascist”
Relations between the two remain strained.